My Foolproof Plan for 2023 Has Crashed and Burned
Here's why I'm not letting it get me down
I had a plan for 2023. A big one. And as plans sometimes go — I’ve been completely derailed. Has this happened to you? You set your sites on something big and in an untimely and abrasive manner the universe sends you a resounding “NO!”?
Here’s how it happened.
The Great Derailing of 2023
Last August I moved into my apartment near the beach. The first few months, of course, were getting furniture, getting settled, and then, getting through the holidays. I made the executive decision to put off my last tax payment of 2022 so that I could wrap up all of these goals and sail through the Christmas season comfortably.
What’s the ultimate goal here?
Buy a house before I’m 50.
And July 2023, I turn 50.
This goal has been playing around in my skull and rolling from between my lips in various declarative statements for over a decade. Well, longer than that.
Here’s why:
Before I was 10, I lived in a nice neighborhood in a lovely home. Then, we lost our home. (I’d rather not get into the why.). My parents were devastated. We moved to a smaller home outside of the city and I didn’t see my friends after that. It changed me. I still dream of that little house. (Sidenote: My parents should not feel bad about this. I understand that life sometimes happens TO you instead of FOR you.)
Our family of 7 then lived in a very small 2 br/1ba house. We’d load up in the car every so often and drive over to a house (usually a doublewide on a small piece of land) that my parents were trying to buy. We’d all explore the rooms and dream of our life in a new home. Then, it would fall through and the house was never mentioned again. Rinse, repeat.
I FINALLY bought a home with my husband. The marriage failed. The house was in his name only. I was a single parent in college just trying to put food on the table and “my” home went into foreclosure. The bank left a note on our door — You have 30 days to move before this house is auctioned off by the bank. My kids and I packed up our pride and our dreams and moved into a small apartment.
4 years ago my partner and I were trying to buy a house. I was selling off my things and piling money into his bank account so we’d be ready. We were visiting homes and looking at Trulia and the realtor’s website for hours a day. It was finally happening! Then, unexpectedly, the relationship failed (I really don’t want to get into the why on that either) and I learned the bank account was actually empty. I packed up my things and my pride and moved out. Since that day, I’ve moved 4 times.
In January 2022, I left my apartment (in the hood) to move in with my brother — for the sole purpose of renting his master suite and saving up for my home. Finally…this was really happening! I had to suck it up and pay the movers with a credit card. Then my dog got sick, I mean really sick. I paid all of that, then began working toward home ownership. 4 months later we learned my brother was being deployed to another state. (I did try for a mortgage at that point but was told I had to have one more tax filing to qualify.) I found an apartment. I put that move on my credit card too.
Now, we’re all caught up and we understand — that I’ve been trying to get into home ownership my whole life, and that this dream is likely tied to the childhood trauma of losing my home.
OK, good. Now I can proceed to the whole point of this post today:
HOW 2023 HAS COMPLETELY DERAILED ME.
Right before Christmas, I decided that instead of putting Christmas on my credit cards, or using what was left of my savings (after buying furniture for my apartment), I’d have to put off that last projected tax payment of the year.
I knew it would be ok because come 2023, I had a tight plan to work hard and make it all happen. There would be extra working hours. I’d cut my spending to nil. I’d eat beans and rice instead of Grubhub. It would work out. Everything’s fine.
Sure, I’d noticed a little lull in client orders, beginning in November, but I wasn’t super worried. I’d been through lulls in orders before. They are always followed by a really high-earning month.
My plan for 2023 that TOTALLY went south:
January 2023 — Pay the September projected tax payment, pay extra on all credit cards
February 2023 — Pay the January projected tax payment, pay extra on all credit cards
March 2023 — File taxes for the 2022 year, pay state taxes, pay extra on all credit cards
April 2023 — Begin PILING any extra dollars into savings for the down payment, pay off the last bit of credit card debt
May 2023 — Apply for a mortgage and keep saving for the down payment
June 2023 — House hunt and keep saving for the down payment
July 2023 — Happy Birthday to me!! Put in an offer and keep saving for the down payment and moving costs until the closing date
August 2023 — The apartment lease is up at the end of this month so I’d planned to be moving and wrap that up prior to the lease renewal date.
So where did it all go so wrong? Sure, this is a very tight plan, but when I’m given a challenge, I rise to it — sword ready to slay!
In January 2023 my orders plummeted. I was still not super worried. I had bought some much-needed clothes in January and in early February a new pair of much-needed glasses. Then, the day I bought those glasses, on a credit card mind you, I came home to a huge revelation.
The Domino that fell sideways and stopped the whole chain of events from happening? I lost a client, unexpectedly.
A $25,000+ a year client.
All of my communication lines with them suddenly looked weird. People were missing from Slack. I found out that almost everyone in the content and marketing teams were fired. Freelancers weren’t told what was happening. I asked lots of questions and learned that the new CEO of the company was super interested in AI.
How did I not see that coming?
Now, that CEO has resigned, the ordering channels are still dry, and things are not looking good for me to rekindle that revenue stream.
Life happens, sometimes, TO us instead of FOR us.
Ouch.
I’ve been making ends meet reasonably fine, but the worry, the excessive worry and fear over not being able to meet my goals has truly undone my spirit. It’s kept me up at night. It’s made me feel like an utter failure.
It’s my fault, I tell myself…
✍️…For not insisting on a contract with them.
✍️…For not preparing for this.
✍️…For not pitching my services, even when I was overloaded with client orders.
✍️…For making the mistake of thinking I was financially comfortable.
✍️…Maybe they didn’t really like my work anyway?
✍️…Maybe I’ll be like those other businesses — most businesses FAIL in the first 5 years! I made it 3 1/2 years, surely this is just a blip? Surely I can recover from this?
✍️…How will I find new clients, and fast?
On and on, the whirl of negative thoughts and the ugly dragon of self-doubt have pursued me, relentlessly, over the past couple of months. These thoughts have berated me and I have fought them, one sword swing after another. Now, I’m working harder and longer hours, pacing the floor, and worrying about things like rent and food. How in the world did this happen right now? And almost…overnight?
Such is the life of a freelance writer. There are “feasts” and there are “famines” and I am in a famine.
The question now is how do I navigate this?
I know my skills and talents.
I know my value.
I am pitching my services.
This is a waiting game.
A keep your head strong and wait out this rough season kind of game.
I can do this.
A New Plan
I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night, one I haven’t talked to in almost a year, and she said something remarkable to me.
Just change the time frame.
That makes perfect sense. Why have I not allowed myself to think of it like this? I WILL buy a home before I am 50 can very easily be changed to: I WILL buy a home WHEN I am 50.
And just like that, I can change course.
Sure, I’ve been completely derailed, but that doesn’t mean I have to stay on that course, beating myself against the same plan I had, watching it shatter all around me, grabbing at those shards of broken dreams….ew. No. This sounds terrible.
OR
I can forge a new path. Shape a new dream. Forgive myself for not getting everything perfect. (Like I’m sure my parents did after we lost my childhood home.) Life happens, sometimes, TO us instead of FOR us, remember?
We are remarkable beings — capable of great adaptability, resilience, and resolve. We are creative problem solvers. We can whiteboard the hell out of our problems and come up with another strategy to reach the same end.
So, folks, I’ve thrown myself back into my writing with even more determination.
I’m revamping and recommitting myself to content writing (Come ON MEDIUM! Come ON NEWSBREAK!), pitching new potential clients every day on LinkedIn, sending out those queries for my book (which, by the way, got a full manuscript request a couple of weeks ago!) and I’m tightening my spending down to the last dime,
…so WHEN I’m 50, I can buy myself a tiny little house that’s all mine.
In the meantime, while I dream of my little back patio for coffee time in the mornings, and the plants I want everywhere, and the giant windows I’ll hang my curtains on…I’ll be writing things to make life better for others. Because that’s what I do.
Do. Life. Better.
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Thanks for your support and for reading a little about what’s been going on with me lately. I am super grateful for all of my journey, even the difficult times because I learn and grow through each of these experiences. I’m also thankful that this last move took me closer to the coast of NC, because, on days when I need the sea, I can go.
Christina M. Ward, author, poet, freelancer
Fiddleheads & Floss Writing Services | Since 2019
You got this!!!!